FORM 40-B · SCHEDULE OF DAMAGES · FILED IN TRIPLICATE
Official Findings
The Bureau has reviewed your confession and found the following. The Bureau is very disappointed.
Count 1 — Hydrological Crimes40-B §1
0 L
of water stolen directly from thirsty Americans
- Standard water bottles, chugged by servers0
- Bathtubs, drawn and abandoned0
- Olympic pools (they are counting)0
- Climate-scientist tears, unaudited0 mL
Count 2 — Electrical Misconduct§2
0 Wh
of pure electricity, gone forever
- Slices of toast, perfectly browned0
- Hours of a fridge judging you, door open0
- Seconds of Las Vegas doing whatever that is0
Count 3 — Atmospheric Insults§3
0 g
of CO₂ exhaled by machines on your behalf
- Cow burps (metric)0
- Party balloons of pure guilt0
- Celebrity private-jet minutes0
Count 4 — Cryosphere Harassment§4
0
ice cubes removed from a polar bear’s drink
- Snowmen prevented0
- Glacier disappointment index (of 10)0
- Penguins mildly inconvenienced0
Count 5 — Silicon Labor Violations§5
0 s
of GPU time spent thinking, specifically, about you
- H100-hours in rural Iowa, fixing your typos0
- Cooling-fan revolutions (millions)0
- Datacenter night-shift sighs0
Count 6 — Cognitive Outsourcing§6
0
original thoughts you decided not to have
- Handwritten letters you could have sent0
- Interns rendered obsolete0
- Brain cells on paid leave (millions)0